I start to think there really is no cure for depression, that happiness is an ongoing battle, and I wonder if it’s worth it. Worth fighting to be happy. Depression can seem worse than terminal cancer, because most cancer patients feel loved and they have hope and self-esteem. Everyday, I lie on my floor crying and shaking. Searching for inner strength and coming up empty. My eyes burn and my mouth becomes dry as I suck in air that seems to keep getting thicker and harder to breathe. I try to leave again, but end up leaning my forehead against the door, feeling stupid for not being brave enough to end everything.

I grabbed the razor i carved “ugly” and “worthless.” I don’t know what to do anymore. I just wished my mom and dad loved me. Because the numbers of times my dad told me to kill myself this week just really makes me want to do it. I want to be brave enough to do it.

I always tell people, “don’t commit suicide” “don’t self harm” when I want to commit suicide and I self harm. Yes I’m a hypocrite to other people but i say those kinds of things because I don’t want people to be like me. Do people want me to honestly say “Yeah, go commit suicide because I feel the same.” Like no. I sure as hell wouldn’t want anyone to say that to me. So if my helping is what you people call being stupid and a huge hypocrite then so be it. But you don’t know shit. So shut the fuck up.

You know you get away from school so you don’t have to deal with the bullshit people say to you, but they always somehow still throw words at you and just leave scars like its no big deal. Just shut the fuck up and leave me alone! I don’t get how it’s so fun to make someone want to commit suicide.

People should really learn to fucking shut up. What they say makes me want to actually commit suicide. Seriously, fuck you.